Perplexed by Weight

Is losing weight healthy? Is it important for MY health?

Weight is a difficult issue for me, as it is for most women (and probably just as many men). I want to be slim. I want to be skinny. But I don’t want it badly enough to be miserable, and that, I think is what it takes. Not for everybody, but for me and a lot of people.

My body is looking out for me, or would be if I lived in a hunter/gatherer society 10,000 years ago where food was sometimes scarce and hard to come by. It would take a lot for me to starve to death. I just don’t need that much food to stay healthy. And my body helpfully stores everything extra as fat so that I don’t have to worry during the hard times.

Only I don’t have hard times.

From the time I was sixteen until about the age of twenty-six, I could eat anything I wanted as much as I wanted and never gain an ounce. I never had to limit myself. I never had to try. Then something changed and I started gaining weight. I have never stopped.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Six months ago I decided to make a serious effort to loose some weight and I have lost thirty pounds. But its a constant struggle and a lot of hard work and I am constantly unsure if it is worth it to me. Given my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, exercise is difficult and can often be harmful. So I’m left with calorie math and little else to effect any changes. And the doctor says I need 1500 calories per day. Only I can’t lose weight at 1500 calories per day so I cut it down to the 1200 that people used to tell me only I can’t lose weight at that level either. So I either go under 1200 or I don’t lose.

And I can’t help thinking: do I really look so bad? I don’t think my weight is having a big effect on my health. I have the same poor health no matter what I weigh. Losing weight doesn’t make me feel better or give me more energy. It really all comes down to looks. And I am not all that unhappy with how I look. Until I catch sight of myself in a photograph or a mirror just the wrong way, and then I am. Or until my doctor writes on my chart that I am obese. And then I am.

I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 210 pounds. I was happier with things when I weighed less than 200 so I am working on that now. Honestly, the biggest motivator for me to lose weight has been worry that my horses may not be able to carry me without strain. I want to weigh under 200 for them. But accomplishing that means eating 500-900 calories per day and isn’t that bad for me? Can it be good for my body to cut back that far? But if I am “obese” then this should be good for me, right?

I’m taking a break with the goal of spending a month keeping my weight consistant. 1500 calories and lets see if I can stay at a stable weight without gaining. Then, after a break, I will go back to work on those last 10 pounds. Maybe. We’ll see.

I wish I could just see a weight I was happy with and stick to that. But I don’t seem to see myself as I really am. In my mind I weigh what I did when I was twenty. I’m thin and good looking. But I’m not.

What a problem to have, right? I think I look better than I do. Isn’t it supposed to work the opposite of that? But then I see a picture of myself and I’m shocked. Punched in the gut. Only not always, these days. Sometimes, even in pictures, I feel like I look just fine.

And I’m wrong. Because according to the medical world I am “obese.” And that means I should be changing things, right? That means I shouldn’t be content with where I am?

So which is it? Be happy with myself the way I am or work to make a change? I don’t seem to be able to tell which is the healthier approach. So I go with what my doctor’s charts say and here I am.

I’m posting a recent picture of myself here.

Yes, I have a little extra weight, but is it really that bad? Is it worth the misery it takes to change it? No, I don’t want to keep gaining. I recognize that this would be bad for me eventually. But is it bad for me now?

I wish I could just trust the way I feel about this. But the truth is I am happy enough with how I look right now. I would be extatic if I were fifty pounds lighter. But I don’t need that to be happy. But should I?

Surely “obese” as a medical term means I should make a change. I’m just not convinced that the process of changing is healthy in any way.